finally, movement!

Omg you have no idea how excited I am. In the three months I've been engaged I have spent exactly $130 on the wedding on these really appropriate stamps for invitations and $50 to the travel agent to get like, even a peek into possible destinations, resorts and the like. While the number makes me seem extremely frugal, it means that I have none of the following booked or paid for:

1. A dress
2. A photographer
3. Favors
4. Invitations
5. A venue
6. Again, for emphasis, a venue
7. Probably like, a dozen other things I haven't thought of yet.

I don't have a photographer because I don't have a location. I don't have favors because I don't have a theme (determined by said venue). I don't have invitations in part because it's overwhelming, but also because without a venue to put on them, what's the point, and the venue might render whatever effort I exert futile. And while all of these points could be addressed, I like to restrict each entry to a single topic, so we'll focus on the dress.

I don't have a dress for any number of reasons, such as it's not a high priority and I'm waiting for a good sale to come along. But one of the main reasons is because I have looked at more bridesmaids' dresses than brides' dresses in trying to find something that is even remotely serviceable to all three bridesmaids and isn't ugly as sin. Because if you've been to a wedding in your life, you've probably noticed how awful bridesmaids dresses really are. And many people have suggested that, apparently, the whole point of having bridesmaids is to make the bride look better. I hate this line of logic because it suggests that I make three of the most important women in my life look bad in the interest of my own vanity. Which is so ridiculously petty I don't even know how to respond, except to point out that I'll be the girl in the big white one and I'm not quite that insecure, thankyouverymuch.

So the two priorities with the bridesmaids dresses are that they look nice and are in colors that "work." Let's go on a tour of "what I don't want," since that's pretty much the only determining factors I've been able to conceive.

No satin, since it'll glare right up in the photos. And bonus "No" points if it's puckered at the seams, like all the David's Bridal satin dresses seem to be.



No slinky things because man, that crap even looks bad on the model.




No black, even though it's the easiest and most neutral option and I generally love black, because it's going to be outside on a sunny beach in May, and that's gonna look weird.




None of these colors, even though they are bright & cheerful because while they may be these things, they are still very ugly.




And ESPECIALLY no turquoise, because whenever you say "beach wedding" every bridal shop lady ever thinks turquoise will really match the water, even though I'm pretty sure the best it could do is clash with the water, and hey the water will definitely be there, so why belabor the point with hideous?




So we need neutral colors, Okay. Well, we can't do tans because in addition to being pretty drab, they blend into the sand.




I had a thought on champagne...




...except Mom wants to wear champagne, and I agree it would be much more appropriate for her to do so than the bridesmaids.

And lastly, I really wanted something with more than one color to break things up a bit, effectively doubling the effort required in actually selecting colors.

So the findings above represent countless dress shop visits, tears over the phone from my sister in Vermont with no car, no means to get to a dress shop, and a figure that is difficult to flatter, a general distaste for David's Bridal (which, by the way, is the site from which I nabbed all these horrible pictures), and an overwhelming frustration with dressing other people. Dressing other people is just *weird*, especially since at some point I will have to say "YOU ARE WEARING THIS ON THIS DAY," which just seems so silly, really. This is all compounded by the fact that these dresses just fit so poorly on um, everyone, so even the ones that look like they could be cute, aren't.

After all that, imagine my delight in visiting a shop with my Matron of Honor just last night and finding the perfect dress (btw, thanks for being my model & muse, H!).



It's by Alexia, though not on their site yet, and we really loved the light blue + black combination. The dress shop lady mentioned how nicely the black band would tie with the groomsmen tuxes, and we were like "wellll they're wearing khakis, but that's okay..." and AN IDEA WAS BORN (this shot is in better lighting and I think closer to the actual colors).




And this is officially the first time in the whole process that I have found an available color combination that I LOVE and really feel will work perfectly. It's two tones that are muted but not lifeless, beachy but not turquoise, and the sash will bring the grooms' party together with the bridal party, a detail often overlooked (and really just a bonus since this was a relatively low priority). I can still wear ivory without matching, my mom will still be able to wear champagne, and the airiness of the design goes so well with the color combination.

Additionally, the dress is so elegant and has all these folds of chiffon that will flow so beautifully in a gentle breeze. In short, unless some kind of unforeseeable change occurs, we officially have made a decision.

feelings: they're gross.

I hate talking about feelings. I was raised in a home of stoics, where we were embraced only by the ends of 10 foot poles. Okay, I exaggerate, but really, we didn't talk about feelings. We were practical people with practical agendas and the only feelings we discussed were the ones that got in the way of the practicality of our decisions.

So if you're the kind of person I am, who really isn't into feelings, feel free to navigate away right now. Because feelings are kinda gross, always cheesey and often boring.

Matron of Honor has passed along a book called The Conscious Bride, and it's all about the negative nasty little feelings brides have when planning a wedding and what they're about and where they come from. I'm about halfway through (it's a quick read), and in an attempt to be the conscious bride of the title, I'm giving the input a think.

First of all, I should clarify that I do in fact have feelings, but I still tend to put them in the context of practicality. For example, I love my beau dearly, because it would be impractical to marry him otherwise. But I'm not really the kind of person to wax poetic about his virtues because I don't really think anyone cares, and also, I assume that anyone who's marrying anyone else loves them very much and would expect that outside viewers of our relationship would assume the same. I don't really have anything to prove, you see.

On Mommy Issues

So there are a few aspects of getting hitched that supposedly get brides down. One is the full separation from her parents, and I gotta say, I think I have that one down. I left my family home at 17, came back for a summer, and that was the end of that. But the real severance came when I had my little meltdown at 20 where I dropped out of school and became the loser my parents were so worried I would become. Effectively, I paid a therapist to justify my first-ever decision to go against my parents' wishes and I'll tell ya, it was a sound investment. Then I finished school and became a white-collar douchebag, so it all worked out.

Also, my mother is a much better Adult Mom than Kid Mom. I think I turned out pretty well, so I can't really fault her in her Kid Mom role, but she's way more maternal toward me as an adult than she ever was when I was a kid, and it's actually been really awesome. My mom is the person I call when I encounter some kind of social dilemma that needs addressing. When I was a child, I wouldn't dare share emotions with her because, well, she usually just dismissed it. She had two other kisd to worry about, and work, and feeding us. I see my relationship with my mom resolving itself as I get older, and we have met in the middle on having a husband, planning a wedding, dealing with family and (eventually) having kids.

As some of you noted in the last entry, she is totally awesome at knowing how to handle things.

In other words I've already worked through this part of it. Ditto for Daddy issues (I don't really have any, we're not terribly close, but not uncomfortably distant, I kinda do my own thing and he's always supportive).

On Losing One's "Singlehood"

You know, I haven't been single for longer than a week or two since I was a teenager. I've been the serial monogamist, wholly dedicated to whomever I was dating, until such time as the relationship disintegrated and I moved onto the next commitment. My "singlehood" has never really existed, but I'm independent and at peace with it.


The rest of it

I'm still only halfway through the book, and maybe I'm in denial about all these things I think I have sorted in my mind, but I definitely have this weird blah feeling toward it all, even though I'm very sure I've found the right guy and it's the right time, and this is the right decision. So I've been taking time to myself, doing some soul-searching and generally taking it easy. I'm hoping to just ride it out and that one day I'll wake up and either have an "Ah HA!" moment or just suddenly everything's a little brighter. The latter has certainly happened before, so it really wouldn't surprise me in the least.

And those are my feelings. If you read it all, I hope it wasn't too boring. =)

the complaints start rolling in...

So we got the Maidzilla situation under control, she apologized for being difficult, and we trudge onward.

Meantime, FMIL is giving us some grief. So I had Groom give her a call to tell her about the destination bit like two months ago, and she exclaimed "Oh! But your grandmother won't be able to make it!" which is completely valid because he is the only grandchild of Grandma and we love her dearly and want her there, and she has trouble with long car rides due to a nerve problem in her legs. So I told him to call her immediately before FMIL had a chance to convince her that this was a terrible development.

And the result?

Grandma was thrilled! She thought it sounded like a beautiful time, and riding on a plane is no trouble at all because she can get up every hour or so, walk a few feet, and get back in her seat, which she really can't do on the bus. *phew!* So we make our plans and all that.

Now every time Groom speaks with his mother, she passive-aggressively comments how she doesn't think many of his family members will be able to make it. Now these are family members I've never met in over two years of being at every family function that pops up, so it's not like we're talking dear old Aunties and Uncles that Groom spent his summers with back in the day, nor is it like my entire family is going to be there and not his. It's going to be small on both sides. The only family members I'm insistent on being there are immediate family and grandmothers, so as far as I'm concerned we are good to go.

He brushes her off pretty well, but what really gets me is that I really think she's just against the idea, but instead of coming out forthright and saying so, she's projecting her opinion on other family members who may or may not even care themselves. And as such, we have made our arrangements.

My grandmother had similar concerns, and thankfully my mother told her "This is not a family reunion, it is a wedding, so if you want a family reunion, then you need to plan one." I just wish there was someone to tell FMIL the same. But she had a couple months to be forthright, she declined to do so, and now arrangements have been made, and it's out of my hands.

fin

enter drama

Little Sister has some problems with my wedding plans. Of course, Little Sister is in my wedding party (along with Middle Sister) and in school and is high maintenance and a drama queen. There, I said it. And she will henceforth be known as Maidzilla.

I was under the impression that bridesmaids were supposed to make my life easier. And you know, 2 of 3 are absolutely exactly what I need. But then . . . then there's Maidzilla.

Maidzilla thinks that $800 is a lot of money for three nights at a four-star resort, and she's pretty broke (for the record, that $800 includes airfare, transportation, food, meals, entertainment...). So the obvious solution here is to turn the vacation into a six night stay and find a way to get there without using my travel agent. The one who will make sure her room isn't double-booked and is counting our guests' rooms so that we can get the wedding included.

Maidzilla ALSO thinks that the one set of bridesmaid's dresses I sent along are WAY too expensive (they are about $150) and that furthermore, she can't wear a strapless dress and oh yeah, can we do them in coral? Because she really looks good in coral. Despite the fact that I sent along the email looking for feedback (and mentioned this about 5 times in said email), she is in TEARS over the outcome of my suggestion, while having no alternative suggestions of her own and appearing to be unwilling to even try dresses on.

Since she has complained and whined about the few decisions I haven't even made yet, I was surprised to hear from Middle Sister that Maidzilla also feels so helplessly left out of the process.

And the best part is that this is the abbreviated story. There are entire other chapters about Mom & Dad not paying for enough (and how she shouldn't have to save money for this) and let's not even get into the boyfriend, whose role in her vacation plans are much more important than her sister's wedding. And how crushed she was not to be the maid of honor.

For fuck's sake lady, I know you're only 21, but would you please grow the fuck up? And this is why I'm so glad I left this little journal anonymous.

the wedding dress story

Wedding dress, wedding dress, yay!

As much as I am, in many ways, completely totally not the wedding dress kind of girl (and I do genuinely believe that type of girl exists), I am also a big BIG fan of dress up. I always tell the story about how my Mom got rid of our dress up clothes when I was 14 and I was LIVID. "Mom! Mom! Where are our dress up dresses?!" "Your sisters don't play dressup any more, and you are FOURTEEN YEARS OLD." And so I joined the drama club to feed my addiction.

So as far as I'm concerned, the wedding dress is my last chance to play dressup, and this time I have a budget! So I introduced the bridal party to one another and we hiked on over to David's Bridal because it's convenient. And as it turns out, my tiny-topped bottom-heavy figure lends itself quite nicely to the wedding fashions of the day. And we found this lovely dress that was "very me." A bit of research reveals that it is a recommended dress for heavier girls, which means that on me I look like some kind of super model that I will never ever be in real life.

And here's a shot of it on a real live human being, which shows the detail a lot better.

Just lovely! But then I was like "Heyyyy . . . what about all that personality I ooze?" And then I remembered this one (I already discussed this tie-on number here).

Middle sister was enthusiastic. Matron O'Honor either overestimates the virtues of my figure or simply shares my vision, and immediately volunteered to help me recreate it. Little sister had no comment, and I have some snarky suspicions as to why, but I won't bring on the drama here. Mom was skeptical.

Okay, okay, oh hey! What about this:

What about it? It's a custom design that sells on Etsy for $6500, that's what about it. This is officially 20x my dress budget. Mom appreciated the modesty of the thing, and insisted I could find a knock off. I don't think she realizes it's not like, distributed, and it's also not in style, and therefore there is no knockoff. I google image searched for 200 pages and found nothing anywhere near it. I wrote to the designer asking if perhaps maybe she'd share her pattern (for a fee, naturally) and her compromise was to sell me the top part for $3500. While we're now only 10x my dress budget, it's still a very sad no go.

And even though it's still out of my budget, and I was very insistent on avoiding vintage (I have some philosophical bullshit around this thinking that I'll spare you), my search on Etsy for a dressmaker found this.

So the short story here is that I keep battling between finding some dramatic gem like one of these except both affordable AND practical, and saying "fuck it" because I wear the prolific strapless A-line beautifully, and I can't imagine I can't find a good deal on one of those, and who cares if it isn't one-of-a-kind . . . I'm going to be the only bride at my wedding anyway.

And then the third option that keeps creeping into my head is "you totally have the time and money to make your own dress," even though I worry that will be completely impractical and I'm not a great seamstress, and homemade is never cheaper even though it'll never fit as well, and what if I don't get it done in time and have to shell out the money for a dress IN ADDITION TO the cost of trying to make one?

Life is tough these days for the overgrown dressup enthusiast.

quickie

My friend Jose Fritz posted about on-radio weddings in a gameshow-style ABC program that ran from 1945-1950. I link this for two reasons: 1. I like Jose, 2. it's obscure knowledge (like pretty much everything else he posts) and I thought it was kinda interesting (and topical).

new best idea ever

In case you were wondering, this dress is the new best idea ever. I hate how beachy dresses are slinky, because while I might be thin, I'm certain squishy, and even if I could convince myself in a store that clingy dress looks beautiful, the photos will tell the truth. This solves all my problems, and I am so totally 100% buying 6 yards of muslin to test with like, this weekend.



These clever ladies designed a dress out of two strips of silk that tie onto the bride, instantly rendering her amazingly glamourous. I saw this almost two years ago and have stored it in my mental notes long before I ever thought I'd be getting married. And no, I have no problem copying someone's idea when it's this awesome--MOH and I will have to play around with some muslin to try out different styles, so it's possible my dress will look entirely different. What's more, it passed the bridesmaids' tacky-o-meter too!



*love* Any thoughts on the dress? C'mon, you can be honest. I'll probably be working some extra fabric into the sides, I'm not a very leggy gal. The best part is that for a destination wedding, this dress will pack as small as possible, making it hassle-free.

scrappin it.

Okay, we're scrapping some old ideas now.

As I've mentioned before, our first two days of planning were all like "Yeah! And I'll make the menu! And we'll have friends cook it instead of a regular gift! And then we'll have our homebrew friends make beer for the big day and have an open bar! And we'll have it at a summer camp and do an overnight bit and omfg, check out our totally diy wedding!"

Within a week most of those ideas were bunk. No alcohol at summer camps. No alcohol brought in much of anywhere, actually. Nobody wants to cook your stupid menu. Also, that business is going to cost way more than just going to a normal venue.

Then it devolved further. DIY is more expensive AND you have to have your wedding somewhere with drop ceilings in order to do it [editor's note: ew, drop ceilings, they are the hallmark of a gross hall]. An open bar is going to multiply the cost of this thing. Our wedding is going to be boring, 4 hours long, and expensive. We won't really be able to take a honeymoon straight away. We'll have to put off buying a house for another year or two.

If we invite So-and-So, and He-and-She, we also have to invite They-and-them, even though we've only ever seen them at parties. And we go to a lot of parties for our three huge circles of friends.

So we're scrapping it. The whole plan.

And instead we're doing a destination wedding. Because I don't care what my centerpieces are, I don't care what kind of champagne toast we have, and I haven't found a single hall that's nice enough to warrant the price, even the cheap ones. We have relatively small families and the only people we really care about all that much are our immediate families, who will definitely be in on this. We are the perfect destination couple.

Right now thoughts are to keep it in the US so nobody has to get a passport, and we think Puerto Rico for three days of the wedding, then the Virgin Islands for our honeymoon because it turns out there's a Marriott there and we have plenty of free room points thanks to Dano's extensive work travels. We'll get to spend time with our guests, a novel idea. Nobody ever says "that was the best night of my life!" they always say "that was the best wedding I've been to," which is the equivalent of saying "That was considerably less boring than I'd anticipated," a testament to how boring those things are.

While I can't promise the best three days of anyone's life, I can give them an excuse to go on vacation and I'm sure it'll be way more fun. And also, way less expensive for us, not to mention a built-in honeymoon. We'll have a party upon our return for anyone who can't make it.

Rum drinks in coconut shells, here we come.

just dumb enough to work...

Best photobooth idea ever, thanks Awkward Family Photos! This way, everyone can get a shot with the bride & groom, and I have a feeling our friends will come up with some truly excellent scenarios to photograph, especially if we include props. It's just stupid enough to peak my curiosity (I am a collector of dumb shit I find that makes me laugh--and this falls WELL in line with that collection).

According to LifesizeCustomCutouts.com, this will run me between $120 and $170. SO doable.

uh oh

Considering making this public to my family . . . I have some neat info I wanna link to, like the Moissanite thing I just posted, and since everyone's been really cool by and large, I might want to limit the complaining and keep it just a place for everyone--family included.

I'm so bad at living this double life business (it's bad enough having to decide whether to sign emails as Aleta or Stephanie, and that's just for my impersonal food site), but I'm worried about giving up my anonymity when it might prove convenient later on.

The goal of this is really to get perspective from other people, so this is where you come in! Have any of you kept a wedding blog, and how did you deal with this situation?

major blingage

So I FINALLY have an engagement ring. Calloo! Callay! While I've been pretty online-chatty about the engagement, in person the only people who know are my Facebook friends and family because the moment you mention your engagement to a passive third-party, suddenly they're all straining their necks to take a glance at your left hand. And then I'm all "Well, I don't have a ring *yet*" which sounds like "Yeah, so my boyfriend mentioned possibly getting married and is just a browbeat away from caving in," when in reality I did get a real proposal, just not one accompanied with bling. So here it is! Set in platinum, and those two green thingies are peridot. There's also scrollwork (hard to see even in person) shaped like a stretched figure eight with a little spiral worked in. I like it!



Dano designed my ring and it's just lovely. Originally I wanted to avoid diamonds altogether because I think they're a rip-off. Then tradition got the best of me, and we briefly considered a synthesized diamond because they're about 1/3 the price of a natural one and we could afford a much nicer quality than otherwise, but even that was so expensive. Couple this with the fact that I'm not really a bling girl anyway, and I'd rather have a house than a $20k engagement ring. It'd be less weird paired with my gaudy costume jewelry. At the same time, I don't know that I could really bring myself to get a cubic zirconia because it loses its lustre after not too long and feels . . . apologetic.

So Dan found Sachs Jewelers in Shrewsbury who recommended Moissanite. Moissanite is a mineral similar to diamond, originally found in meteorites, but due to their extreme rarity in nature (usually as inclusions in diamonds and other stones) are now synthesized. The cool thing is that they are really not all that different from a diamond. On the hardness scale a diamond is at 10 and Moissanite is 8.5-9.25--similar enough to be sought after for industrial uses. So hardness is all well and good, but doesn't really affect the way my jewelry looks, right?



WELL, Moissanite also weighs in on the visual front. Its refractive index (a measure of "flashes" or how many times it sparkles) is about 10% higher (diamond = 2.417, moissanite ~ 2.670) so for every ten sparkles a diamond gets, my stone gets one more. What's SUPER cool, though is that the dispersion (a measure of how wide the color spectrum is bent by the stone) is more than twice that of a diamond (diamond = .044, moissanite = .104), so my stone throws off more than twice the color. So for all intents and purposes, it's a prettier stone! And unlike cubic zirconia, it'll last forever, just like a regular diamond.

Because it's synthesized, the clarity is excellent and there are no visible inclusions in the stone. The only limitation is that the stone itself is slightly off-white, though not visible in most light and probably not any more than ideal-cut diamonds might be anyway. I found information on this subject here.

Oh, did I mention that they're about a tenth of the price? Finally, it seems, that thrift gene has shone its head.

the mixer & the crystal, part II

Okay, I would be remisce if I didn't include photographs of this stuff. Also, got a really interesting comment from Melissa G that I totally want to share:

I think you may change your mind about the Crystal. I didn't really care for it, but my MIL insisted that we register for it. I pretty much planned to return it for store credit after the wedding but something made me hold on to it, and I'm so glad I did. I don't love it because it's fancy or expensive. I like that it makes a dinner feel special. To me it represents our wedding and our marriage. And a kind of tradition. We make it a point to use it at least once a month because what's the point if it's only going to take up storage?

Hope that doesn't sound like assvice. Just thought I'd lend some experience.

Melissa, that's actually awesome advice. I really enjoy the feedback because not many of my friends are married (except you Heather!) and so my lifeline to this stuff are my mom and future MIL, and neither of them has been through this in about 30 years. So, you know, even if I'm being snarky it's just because I'm trying to be cute, if you're reading you are totally allowed to disagree! And both Steph and Heather mentioned that their mixer was a good thing.



I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm pretty sure this thing is going to get some use. And it's such a pretty color (my favorite since childhood, in fact). Thanks, Mom.

The crystal really is quite lovely, and actually, as far as crystal goes, these things are pretty useful. BT-dubs, I mention the brands & patterns not to be a jerk off, but in case you really like it, then you know what it is! Future MIL gifted a lovely, simple vase because I always have flowers in the house . . . well, any time I have anyone over anyway. So yes, this will get, and already has gotten, some use. The brand is Mikasa, the pattern is Patridge.




My Memere bought me a lovely trifle dish, not too big, not too small, and with a scalloped edge so you don't have to fill it all the way. My mom has always made use of her trifle dish, and there's no way I can't fill that with lady fingers and cream. The next couple to come over for a four-person dinner party is in for a treat. The brand is Shannon by Godinger and the pattern is Dublin.



Oh! And one of Dan's cousins actually sent us our very first wedding gift almost immediately! I absolutely adore this soup dish. It has three pieces: there is a leaf-shaped plate underneath the cabbage-shaped tureen and the rabbit poking out is the handle for the lid. To say I got a bunny-rabbit soup dish really doesn't do it justice, but the photos sure do.




The card that accompanied it said it came from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, but sadly I can't find it anywhere online, which is just too bad. The dish is so beautiful and I would never regift it, but I would certainly buy it for someone else (thereby regifting a really great idea). For now I'll just have to live knowing I have a relatively unique item, how unusual it is to not be able to find something online!

The tureen is a reproduction of a common Bohemian tureen theme with a rabbit in a head of cabbage, and from what Dan tells me, his family has some history in Prague. This is the kind of kitchen thing that is pretty enough to live in the living room. Man, I just really love it.

why I don't want a Kitchenaid stand mixer

First of all: this is not meant to be an incrimination of anyone who owns one of these things. I do know people who use them quite a lot to great effect, this is just my take on it.

The Kitchenaid Stand Mixer: an iconic, sought-after wedding gift, on par with Crate and Barrel as a whole with its implicity in the wedding gift-giving firmament.

I hate the Kitchenaid Stand Mixer. For one thing, I know more people who have one that don't use it than people who are big into baking and cooking and even own one. Couple this culture with the creation of a food website and you are met with all kinds of incredulous comments.

"You don't own a Kitchenaid? But I thought you baked all the time!"
"How do you beat egg whites?"
"How do you make cookies?"

Now, keep in mind I've also met people who didn't know you could make cookie dough from scratch and previously thought that from scratch meant buying a chilled roll of dough, slicing it and baking on a cookie sheet. I'll ignore that extreme and explain why I've never wanted a Kitchenaid.

• They're a status symbol, and I'm not really into that kind of thing. They are pined-after, expensive and ultimately unnecessary. And they perpetuate the myth that you need a long list of kitchen gadgets to be a "good cook."
• They're heavy as hell and take up a lot of space on your counter and you have to wipe them down every time you clean the kitchen or they get that gross dust/film on them.
• The vast majority of recipes don't require a mixer.
• I can think of a sub-list of other things I'd rather spend $300 on, including, but not limited to, a Dyson, a new rug for my living room, a credit card payment, and a tattoo.
• It would encourage me to bake more often, and I already have a hard time curbing my sweet tooth.
• I already have a Kitchenaid stand mixer. It's me, standing there with my Kitchenaid hand mixer for about 5 minutes, which is more than most recipes need anyway.

I don't know how many bridal shower pictures I've seen with a woman dramatically draped over her new Kitchenaid as though it was the machine she was marrying rather than her fiance, and look, getting engaged has already paid off. And ooo! It comes in Sassy Woman Red, Country Kitchen Blue, Clearance Industrial Grey, Dramatic Black, I'm Obnoxiously Sunny Yellow and Breast Cancer Pink! Women who have baked about three batches of cookies in their adult lives are registering for these things, hoping that its very ownership marks a new era in being a Stepford Wife who suddenly, magically knows how to cook. I would imagine that this endeavor often lasts a month at best, if it even comes to fruition for a moment.

And lastly, the Kitchenaid Stand Mixer also drives home the idea that getting married ought to involve overpriced *stuff* because that's why you get married. We'll focus on the presents now--worry about the marriage itself later. I even considered adding it to my wedding registry then checking it off as received so as to discourage anyone from generously gifting something I've repeatedly said I don't want. On a side note, one other thing I don't want: crystal.

So naturally, the meeting of the parents yielded:

• One crystal vase
• One crystal trifle dish with four crystal dessert dishes
• One Green Apple Kitchenaid stand mixer

Now it bears mention that I absolutely value the generosity of any gift at all, and I am completely appreciative of the thought that went into them. I think my mom sensed (or more likely, already knew) my lukewarmness toward the crystal (she was the one who gifted the suddenly-beloved Kitchenaid), and she pointed out that while I may not want these things now, I probably will want them in 10 years and this is the one time you get any really nice gifts so you might as well hold onto them. And upon reflection, I believe her. I may not have a lot of room in my kitchen now, so I can throw this stuff in storage, pull it out for fancy occasions, and maybe some day have a china cabinet to stow it away from the dust.

Until then, I'll work on my meringue and maybe even get a loaf of bread properly kneaded.

Super cool tidbit that came my way via my matron of honor.

DID YOU KNOW?

In the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, one can apply for a One Day Marriage Designation in lieu of a justice of the peace? It's true! You can have anyone you know officiate the ceremony. It costs $25 and requires a "letter of reference attesting to the applicant's high standard of character." Psh, yeah, right, like we know anybody ANYONE would attest to good character. Additional information kindly provided gratis by mass.gov

So this is SO super cool that I really can't pass it up, but unfortunately I don't have any good ideas on a candidate. I would prefer a family member, but I don't want someone from my wedding party, or parents or grandparents. And my attitude toward the family members I'm left with really highlights how my relationship with my extended family is awkward at best (and depraved at worst), though we're probably just average in terms of wild family craziness.

I have this cousin who lives nearby with whom I'm friendly, but we're still not bestest buds or anything, we just hang out occasionally. I have a few other cousins, but nobody really cut out for that kind of thing. My mom recommended considering my godparents, but my uncle is divorced from the family and I haven't seen him since his second wife's funeral, and my aunt has a . . . tumultuous history with my mom, though in her older age she's very nice and there haven't been any incidents in years.

I'll have to see if Groom has anyone in mind in his family. Worst case we can just find a good mutual friend, though those people tend to be the (small) wedding party. Too bad we don't know any comedians or clown school graduates.

more on the music

Songs that remind me of my dad, none of them even remotely appropriate:

Jeremy by Pearl Jam. In high school he would annoyingly sing it to me every time I got in his car and substitute my name for Jeremy.
Heaven Beside You by Alice in Chains
Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing
Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones, because I hated "the horsey song."
For What It's Worth by Buffalo Springfield
Earache My Eye by Cheech and Chong. It came on the radio when I was 12 or something and ever since he's made references to "hey man, that was my new record, I just bought that."
The Rocko's Modern Life Theme
The Ren and Stimpy Theme


Song I will be dancing to with my dad:

Not sure yet, I'll have to talk to him about that.


Songs I will absolutely not be dancing with my father to:

Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin
That weird daddy's girl country song Younger Sister recommended.

on our first dance

The song the Groom and I would like for our first dance: Hayling by FC Kahuna. It is absolutely our favourite song of all time, and after listening to it approximately a thousand times it still makes me cry a good 50% of the time. Also, the video is just so cool (Dan is totally into the mechanical imagery) and the singer is probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen, so even if you don't really care about the song, the video comes highly recommended.



I have a feeling our families won't really get it, but this song always makes me think of the feeling of our first summer together. Simple, clean and looking forward to the future.

For the reception we'd like to play chill electronica like Thievery Corporation, Boards of Canada, Zero 7. Is that tacky?


Music that should not be played at any wedding reception:

• Brick by Ben Folds Five
• Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead
• I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
• Lords of Acid
• Country music

Via instant messenger:

me: hey SO: when do I get my ring? my beautiful lovely fake diamond ring?
the groom: heya -- well, it's done! so, this weekend probably!

=D

on bridezillas (the show)

My whole life I've avoided movies, shows and generalized thoughts about having a wedding. I figured that until I'm actually engaged I have no business giving a shit about that stuff, because my wedding would have more to do with my partner and our relationship and who knows what that would be like til the time came? And to be honest, I didn't really think about marriage until my early 20s anyway, and I don't want to be disappointed because the fairy tale I've concocted in my head will never come true, so better not to have one so longstanding.

But now, there are no holds barred.

So I was flipping through OnDemand the other night and saw the Bridezilla show and decided to give it a go. The yelling alone gave me a headache, nevermind the actual absurdity sprewing forth, and watching this thing made me feel like "wow, I am so freakin easy-going, I didn't even know." But I get the feeling this is kind of the point, to make relatively normal brides-to-be feel like they really got their shit TOGETHER.

You're not supposed to like the brides; they're meant to be a cultural other, the people you don't identify with in your superiority and relative calmness; you can be a real bitch and still feel this way, these ladies are clearly assholes all the time. And while that might feel good, it's cheap.

I think the show would be a lot more appealing to me if they actually humanized the brides. If they at least let you like them for a few minutes before showing how reasonable ladies turn into crazy bitches right quick when they insist on the Tiffany's jewelry, the five reception dresses (no joke, this one lady needed FIVE reception dresses, I'm not even getting ONE), the seventeen bridesmaids. It would take the show from Springer to a cautionary tale: "roll with the punches lest ye look this foolish and shrill."

on the venue

The one thing I have to focus on right now just so happens to be the one thing I care very little about--the venue. I've taken a deep, in-depth look at about 15 places (and by in-depth, I mean I had my head propped on the arm of the couch and my laptop on my chest and isn't the internet great), and actually got pricing info from three of them. Each of which was promptly rejected.

To be fair, the first two were summer camps, and it is increasingly clear that our grande idea of having a kegger at a kids' place with drownable water nearby is um, completely not happening. For reasons embedded in that last sentence. The last one was Tower Hill Botanical Gardens in Boylston, which worded their contract kind of . . . offensively. You will NOT bring your own alcohol. You WILL be monitored by staff the whole time to make sure you don't bring drinks outside. It's like Sister Mary Thomas is going to be my wedding coordinator, and I don't know if I can face 2nd grade again, even if it is more like recess.

So we can cross that off my list of awesome ideas we had in the first weekend. But hey! There's a Sportsman's club with stuffed deer head on the wall!! That Victorian place that we thought was stuffily overpriced is starting to look reasonable! The sooner I admit this is going to be expensive, the sooner I can either elope or book a place and start figuring out the other details, like colors, which I'm much more interested in anyway.

almost forgot

. . . did you know that Middle Sister dated Best Man for a few months awhile back? Because if not, you should probably never let me hook you up with anyone. Ever.

I'm terrible at it.

funny story...

My engagement ring is still pending. While this is, apparently, a very big deal to some girls, I like to say that he wouldn't dare buy a gift for me without my approval first, so we're off on a good foot.

There were rumors of some kind of family stone that Dan's mother had mentioned in one of her laments about not having grandchildren, but when we met with the parents we asked if there was some stone in the family that had sentiment attached to it and the answer was, well, it was no.

But that's okay! Dan wanted to design a ring for me anyway! He found a nice family place that was great to work with and they gave him a fair price on a nice little platinum number made to his exact specifications. Saturday morning we went to take a look and it was great! Just needed a few tweaks and a final sign-off and that thing is off for casting! So this morning he stopped by the shop, gave 'em a thumbs up and a non-returnable thousand dollar deposit and I'm going to have an engagement ring in a couple weeks. At which time my engagement will feel that much more real.

A couple hours later he gets an email from his mother. Apparently, when she died, his paternal grandmother's engagement ring had been set aside for just this occasion, has been held by his uncle for the last 20 years for whatever reason, and there is an early 50s vintage platinum ring with a square diamond in his mother's possession as we speak. Waiting for my elegant little finger.

I did weakly inquire as to whether perhaps the loss of the thousand dollar deposit might be worth not spending another couple thousand dollars on a ring that is no longer needed, and was told, pretty unequivocally, that no, that was not an option. So I suddenly find myself awash in valuable jewelry.

If I wore real jewelry with more frequency, I might consider turning Grandmother's ring into some kind of pendant, but honestly, that's not really my thing. Maybe I'll wear them both on different fingers, round out the look with eight other rings and go for the gypsy look.

on bridesmaids

youngest sister: You know, I just want to say that Dan really isn't the kind of guy *I* would want to be with, but I'm glad he's good to you and I'm happy for you guys.

my internal dialogue: . . . and comments like *that* are why you aren't my maid of honor after all.

---

The bridesmaid thing was my first real pain in the ass. Young Sister is very good at knowing what "is so you" (and I really mean that), but unfortunately is studying to be a pharmacist in another state 3 hours away. And that's not an easy major. Which means that any time she's NOT studying her ass off, she's letting off steam with the help of flavoured vodka or spending time with her boyfriend (who is in yet ANOTHER state). So even though Middle Sister and I had talked about how we were both going to have Young Sister as our maid-of-honor come wedding time, at this point in time it's just not going to work. Young Sister has a lot of difficult work to do for school, is super far away, and is strapped for cash. In short, while she would be FANTASTIC at it in five years when she is out of school and has a six-figure income, at the moment, my wedding should be a low priority.

She can also be kind of a pill, which means that I knew this information was not going to go over easily for her. Even though I assured her that this is not a judgment of her as a person and that the logistics are just not conducive, I know she's hurt. Which, hey, maybe I shouldn't have said anything about her being a maid of honor years before I even got engaged. My bad.

Middle Sister confided that she was happy I didn't pick her to be MOH because she's not very good at that stuff and is taking 4 nights of classes a week next year, so she really didn't want the job. *phew*, crisis averted.

And then it's like . . . how do you pick bridesmaids? Because Maid of Honor is my closest girlfriend who lives nearby, has already been married, is my favourite "person to bounce ideas off" and I see twice a week--in other words, when it comes time to get all my shit together, she's going to be the one doing the heavy lifting because she's going to be the one I consult about everything. It would be so shitty to have her do all the work with me and then just be another person in the audience. And of course it goes without saying that I think she has a fabulous aesthetic and is on the same page as me and I'm so happy she's the one for the job.

But really, how? I always wanted two bridesmaids: my sisters. But that's not going to happen. Do I pick my favourite people? Because family aside, I have no fewer than 10 favourite people, including my already-maid-of-honour, none of them even remotely appropriate. If we all lived on the same street and all had professional jobs and none of them had any kids, who would I pick, you know?

There's the super creative, friend-I've-loved-forever in the city who would be awesome for the job but doesn't have a car and, really, doesn't have the money to spare either.

There's the funnest girl I know who is 700 miles away pursuing a PhD and is intermittently in the hospital for a chronic condition.

The dude who has considerately coached me through this relationship.

The gay guy I've known forever but haven't seen in two years.

The friend who's so happy for me who lives two hours away with two kids.

There's the friend with the excellent taste who I don't know nearly well enough to ask.

The high school friend I've been through so much with who's halfway across the country.


In the end, it's about the time we're in now. If I had to put all my friends in a continuum from favouritest to least favourite, they'd all be in the same, very high spot because I have a lot of love for a lot of people, and I'm particular about who I call a friend to begin with. And while my sisters will always be my sisters, and I may lose touch with my MOH in two years, I'm choosing a guest list and bridal party based on who, right now, in this little slice of my life, is going to be a part of this. A year ago it would've been different, and maybe a year from now it will be different even still, but we're living in the present, people.

on the cake

me: Wedding cakes are expensive, and I don't like what they taste like, and I don't want one, I want to serve whoopie pies instead because I like those and they're cheap.

mom: Oh, no. You definitely want a wedding cake.

my internal dialogue: No, I'm pretty sure I just said the exact opposite of that . . .

mom: And you can have them make any kind of cake you want!

my internal dialogue: . . . oh, even a pile of whoopie pies?

welcome to my anonymous wedding.

I'm the blogging type, and I'm getting married, and since my other blogs have no overlap with planning a wedding whatsoever, I figured I'd delegate all wedding writing to one nice, anonymous place. At first, I thought I'd put my wedding blog on my wedding website. Because then hey! Not only can my family get directions to the venue, but they can also follow along my planning process. And then we can try to use it to coordinate friends into volunteering their time for a gift. Brilliant!

Except that two weeks into the planning of this thing, my family is already providing sufficient bitching material. Alas, I am a chronic bitcher. I wish I weren't, but I am, so there you go. So this way I can actually write a candid account of my wedding planning without hurt feelings. Hooray! Here's to the countdown.