feelings: they're gross.

I hate talking about feelings. I was raised in a home of stoics, where we were embraced only by the ends of 10 foot poles. Okay, I exaggerate, but really, we didn't talk about feelings. We were practical people with practical agendas and the only feelings we discussed were the ones that got in the way of the practicality of our decisions.

So if you're the kind of person I am, who really isn't into feelings, feel free to navigate away right now. Because feelings are kinda gross, always cheesey and often boring.

Matron of Honor has passed along a book called The Conscious Bride, and it's all about the negative nasty little feelings brides have when planning a wedding and what they're about and where they come from. I'm about halfway through (it's a quick read), and in an attempt to be the conscious bride of the title, I'm giving the input a think.

First of all, I should clarify that I do in fact have feelings, but I still tend to put them in the context of practicality. For example, I love my beau dearly, because it would be impractical to marry him otherwise. But I'm not really the kind of person to wax poetic about his virtues because I don't really think anyone cares, and also, I assume that anyone who's marrying anyone else loves them very much and would expect that outside viewers of our relationship would assume the same. I don't really have anything to prove, you see.

On Mommy Issues

So there are a few aspects of getting hitched that supposedly get brides down. One is the full separation from her parents, and I gotta say, I think I have that one down. I left my family home at 17, came back for a summer, and that was the end of that. But the real severance came when I had my little meltdown at 20 where I dropped out of school and became the loser my parents were so worried I would become. Effectively, I paid a therapist to justify my first-ever decision to go against my parents' wishes and I'll tell ya, it was a sound investment. Then I finished school and became a white-collar douchebag, so it all worked out.

Also, my mother is a much better Adult Mom than Kid Mom. I think I turned out pretty well, so I can't really fault her in her Kid Mom role, but she's way more maternal toward me as an adult than she ever was when I was a kid, and it's actually been really awesome. My mom is the person I call when I encounter some kind of social dilemma that needs addressing. When I was a child, I wouldn't dare share emotions with her because, well, she usually just dismissed it. She had two other kisd to worry about, and work, and feeding us. I see my relationship with my mom resolving itself as I get older, and we have met in the middle on having a husband, planning a wedding, dealing with family and (eventually) having kids.

As some of you noted in the last entry, she is totally awesome at knowing how to handle things.

In other words I've already worked through this part of it. Ditto for Daddy issues (I don't really have any, we're not terribly close, but not uncomfortably distant, I kinda do my own thing and he's always supportive).

On Losing One's "Singlehood"

You know, I haven't been single for longer than a week or two since I was a teenager. I've been the serial monogamist, wholly dedicated to whomever I was dating, until such time as the relationship disintegrated and I moved onto the next commitment. My "singlehood" has never really existed, but I'm independent and at peace with it.


The rest of it

I'm still only halfway through the book, and maybe I'm in denial about all these things I think I have sorted in my mind, but I definitely have this weird blah feeling toward it all, even though I'm very sure I've found the right guy and it's the right time, and this is the right decision. So I've been taking time to myself, doing some soul-searching and generally taking it easy. I'm hoping to just ride it out and that one day I'll wake up and either have an "Ah HA!" moment or just suddenly everything's a little brighter. The latter has certainly happened before, so it really wouldn't surprise me in the least.

And those are my feelings. If you read it all, I hope it wasn't too boring. =)

the complaints start rolling in...

So we got the Maidzilla situation under control, she apologized for being difficult, and we trudge onward.

Meantime, FMIL is giving us some grief. So I had Groom give her a call to tell her about the destination bit like two months ago, and she exclaimed "Oh! But your grandmother won't be able to make it!" which is completely valid because he is the only grandchild of Grandma and we love her dearly and want her there, and she has trouble with long car rides due to a nerve problem in her legs. So I told him to call her immediately before FMIL had a chance to convince her that this was a terrible development.

And the result?

Grandma was thrilled! She thought it sounded like a beautiful time, and riding on a plane is no trouble at all because she can get up every hour or so, walk a few feet, and get back in her seat, which she really can't do on the bus. *phew!* So we make our plans and all that.

Now every time Groom speaks with his mother, she passive-aggressively comments how she doesn't think many of his family members will be able to make it. Now these are family members I've never met in over two years of being at every family function that pops up, so it's not like we're talking dear old Aunties and Uncles that Groom spent his summers with back in the day, nor is it like my entire family is going to be there and not his. It's going to be small on both sides. The only family members I'm insistent on being there are immediate family and grandmothers, so as far as I'm concerned we are good to go.

He brushes her off pretty well, but what really gets me is that I really think she's just against the idea, but instead of coming out forthright and saying so, she's projecting her opinion on other family members who may or may not even care themselves. And as such, we have made our arrangements.

My grandmother had similar concerns, and thankfully my mother told her "This is not a family reunion, it is a wedding, so if you want a family reunion, then you need to plan one." I just wish there was someone to tell FMIL the same. But she had a couple months to be forthright, she declined to do so, and now arrangements have been made, and it's out of my hands.

fin

enter drama

Little Sister has some problems with my wedding plans. Of course, Little Sister is in my wedding party (along with Middle Sister) and in school and is high maintenance and a drama queen. There, I said it. And she will henceforth be known as Maidzilla.

I was under the impression that bridesmaids were supposed to make my life easier. And you know, 2 of 3 are absolutely exactly what I need. But then . . . then there's Maidzilla.

Maidzilla thinks that $800 is a lot of money for three nights at a four-star resort, and she's pretty broke (for the record, that $800 includes airfare, transportation, food, meals, entertainment...). So the obvious solution here is to turn the vacation into a six night stay and find a way to get there without using my travel agent. The one who will make sure her room isn't double-booked and is counting our guests' rooms so that we can get the wedding included.

Maidzilla ALSO thinks that the one set of bridesmaid's dresses I sent along are WAY too expensive (they are about $150) and that furthermore, she can't wear a strapless dress and oh yeah, can we do them in coral? Because she really looks good in coral. Despite the fact that I sent along the email looking for feedback (and mentioned this about 5 times in said email), she is in TEARS over the outcome of my suggestion, while having no alternative suggestions of her own and appearing to be unwilling to even try dresses on.

Since she has complained and whined about the few decisions I haven't even made yet, I was surprised to hear from Middle Sister that Maidzilla also feels so helplessly left out of the process.

And the best part is that this is the abbreviated story. There are entire other chapters about Mom & Dad not paying for enough (and how she shouldn't have to save money for this) and let's not even get into the boyfriend, whose role in her vacation plans are much more important than her sister's wedding. And how crushed she was not to be the maid of honor.

For fuck's sake lady, I know you're only 21, but would you please grow the fuck up? And this is why I'm so glad I left this little journal anonymous.

the wedding dress story

Wedding dress, wedding dress, yay!

As much as I am, in many ways, completely totally not the wedding dress kind of girl (and I do genuinely believe that type of girl exists), I am also a big BIG fan of dress up. I always tell the story about how my Mom got rid of our dress up clothes when I was 14 and I was LIVID. "Mom! Mom! Where are our dress up dresses?!" "Your sisters don't play dressup any more, and you are FOURTEEN YEARS OLD." And so I joined the drama club to feed my addiction.

So as far as I'm concerned, the wedding dress is my last chance to play dressup, and this time I have a budget! So I introduced the bridal party to one another and we hiked on over to David's Bridal because it's convenient. And as it turns out, my tiny-topped bottom-heavy figure lends itself quite nicely to the wedding fashions of the day. And we found this lovely dress that was "very me." A bit of research reveals that it is a recommended dress for heavier girls, which means that on me I look like some kind of super model that I will never ever be in real life.

And here's a shot of it on a real live human being, which shows the detail a lot better.

Just lovely! But then I was like "Heyyyy . . . what about all that personality I ooze?" And then I remembered this one (I already discussed this tie-on number here).

Middle sister was enthusiastic. Matron O'Honor either overestimates the virtues of my figure or simply shares my vision, and immediately volunteered to help me recreate it. Little sister had no comment, and I have some snarky suspicions as to why, but I won't bring on the drama here. Mom was skeptical.

Okay, okay, oh hey! What about this:

What about it? It's a custom design that sells on Etsy for $6500, that's what about it. This is officially 20x my dress budget. Mom appreciated the modesty of the thing, and insisted I could find a knock off. I don't think she realizes it's not like, distributed, and it's also not in style, and therefore there is no knockoff. I google image searched for 200 pages and found nothing anywhere near it. I wrote to the designer asking if perhaps maybe she'd share her pattern (for a fee, naturally) and her compromise was to sell me the top part for $3500. While we're now only 10x my dress budget, it's still a very sad no go.

And even though it's still out of my budget, and I was very insistent on avoiding vintage (I have some philosophical bullshit around this thinking that I'll spare you), my search on Etsy for a dressmaker found this.

So the short story here is that I keep battling between finding some dramatic gem like one of these except both affordable AND practical, and saying "fuck it" because I wear the prolific strapless A-line beautifully, and I can't imagine I can't find a good deal on one of those, and who cares if it isn't one-of-a-kind . . . I'm going to be the only bride at my wedding anyway.

And then the third option that keeps creeping into my head is "you totally have the time and money to make your own dress," even though I worry that will be completely impractical and I'm not a great seamstress, and homemade is never cheaper even though it'll never fit as well, and what if I don't get it done in time and have to shell out the money for a dress IN ADDITION TO the cost of trying to make one?

Life is tough these days for the overgrown dressup enthusiast.