why I don't want a Kitchenaid stand mixer

First of all: this is not meant to be an incrimination of anyone who owns one of these things. I do know people who use them quite a lot to great effect, this is just my take on it.

The Kitchenaid Stand Mixer: an iconic, sought-after wedding gift, on par with Crate and Barrel as a whole with its implicity in the wedding gift-giving firmament.

I hate the Kitchenaid Stand Mixer. For one thing, I know more people who have one that don't use it than people who are big into baking and cooking and even own one. Couple this culture with the creation of a food website and you are met with all kinds of incredulous comments.

"You don't own a Kitchenaid? But I thought you baked all the time!"
"How do you beat egg whites?"
"How do you make cookies?"

Now, keep in mind I've also met people who didn't know you could make cookie dough from scratch and previously thought that from scratch meant buying a chilled roll of dough, slicing it and baking on a cookie sheet. I'll ignore that extreme and explain why I've never wanted a Kitchenaid.

• They're a status symbol, and I'm not really into that kind of thing. They are pined-after, expensive and ultimately unnecessary. And they perpetuate the myth that you need a long list of kitchen gadgets to be a "good cook."
• They're heavy as hell and take up a lot of space on your counter and you have to wipe them down every time you clean the kitchen or they get that gross dust/film on them.
• The vast majority of recipes don't require a mixer.
• I can think of a sub-list of other things I'd rather spend $300 on, including, but not limited to, a Dyson, a new rug for my living room, a credit card payment, and a tattoo.
• It would encourage me to bake more often, and I already have a hard time curbing my sweet tooth.
• I already have a Kitchenaid stand mixer. It's me, standing there with my Kitchenaid hand mixer for about 5 minutes, which is more than most recipes need anyway.

I don't know how many bridal shower pictures I've seen with a woman dramatically draped over her new Kitchenaid as though it was the machine she was marrying rather than her fiance, and look, getting engaged has already paid off. And ooo! It comes in Sassy Woman Red, Country Kitchen Blue, Clearance Industrial Grey, Dramatic Black, I'm Obnoxiously Sunny Yellow and Breast Cancer Pink! Women who have baked about three batches of cookies in their adult lives are registering for these things, hoping that its very ownership marks a new era in being a Stepford Wife who suddenly, magically knows how to cook. I would imagine that this endeavor often lasts a month at best, if it even comes to fruition for a moment.

And lastly, the Kitchenaid Stand Mixer also drives home the idea that getting married ought to involve overpriced *stuff* because that's why you get married. We'll focus on the presents now--worry about the marriage itself later. I even considered adding it to my wedding registry then checking it off as received so as to discourage anyone from generously gifting something I've repeatedly said I don't want. On a side note, one other thing I don't want: crystal.

So naturally, the meeting of the parents yielded:

• One crystal vase
• One crystal trifle dish with four crystal dessert dishes
• One Green Apple Kitchenaid stand mixer

Now it bears mention that I absolutely value the generosity of any gift at all, and I am completely appreciative of the thought that went into them. I think my mom sensed (or more likely, already knew) my lukewarmness toward the crystal (she was the one who gifted the suddenly-beloved Kitchenaid), and she pointed out that while I may not want these things now, I probably will want them in 10 years and this is the one time you get any really nice gifts so you might as well hold onto them. And upon reflection, I believe her. I may not have a lot of room in my kitchen now, so I can throw this stuff in storage, pull it out for fancy occasions, and maybe some day have a china cabinet to stow it away from the dust.

Until then, I'll work on my meringue and maybe even get a loaf of bread properly kneaded.